i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
