Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
