Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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