Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
