I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
