if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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