i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
