I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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