I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
