how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So apparently I’m into choking now
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