It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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