no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
