Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
