u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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