In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
