Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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