Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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