My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
