is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
