; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
