I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
