Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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