We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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