If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
