I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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