Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
