i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
