I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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