I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
