John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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