Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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