that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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