We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
