just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
