She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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