guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
