I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
there is glitter all over my balls
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
