I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
