Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
