You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
