This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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