Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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