you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
