If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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