I just pynch a tree in the face
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
