history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
