Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
