I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
