So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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