Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
