I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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