I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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