Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
